How we are doing?
I have been getting that question a lot lately. In various forms. How are you feeling? How are you dealing with moving away? How are you doing with the realization that you can’t really come back home? How are the kids doing? How is Dave doing? Just a bunch of…
How are you doing?
And honestly, the answer would totally depend on the day or time you ask me. I’ve cried. And jumped for joy and excitement. I’ve been in total and utter denial. I’ve been cranky and happy. I’ve been gentle with my kids and frustrated. And I have felt guilty for changing everyone’s lives. Oh so freaking guilty.
I have felt it all. And that was just yesterday. Ugh.
But the short answer is this…
I am ready to go. I am excited to feel better. To get off some of these meds that make me feel heavy and tired. I am ready to start living. I am also stressed AF about logistics of packing and moving and selling our house. It goes on the market this weekend! And mostly, I am worried about my littles. And trying so hard to be careful to hold their hands through such a big change.
The kids are excited. Especially the younger ones. Life is such an adventure and they haven’t yet learned to place their security in places. (Thanks to how much we move.) Its all about family to them. And fun. And their excitement for hot Texas nights, swimming in rivers, riding bikes in the street, and FOOD TRUCKS is just so contagious. I am thankful that I get to go through this life with them.
But, Brooks is older. He has some roots here. And at first the news of leaving was not exactly good news to him. He cried. And with tears streaming down his face, he whispered.
“Dad can take care of us. Just go by yourself”
And my heart broke into a million little pieces. I keep reminding myself that he didn’t mean it.
But lately he’s come around. I have involved him in every aspect of this move. I have shared test results from the doctors with him. And let him help me fill my prescriptions at Walgreens. I’ve talked about how the heart and the kidneys work with him. And when I am tired or sick. I am sure to point out to him exactly what my body is doing. He has become a master at taking my blood pressure and loves reporting to me if it is too high or too low. I’ve also involved him in the new house. We have poured over trulia pictures of it and dreamed together how he’s going to decorate his space or what he will play in the back yard. He drives me all over our new neighborhood on google street view. And we point out the houses that look like kids live there.
“Look a stroller on the porch!”
“Hey. I have that scooter!”
“Look at that swing!”
And slowly over the last month or so. He has come around. He’s excited to go. And his little heart is filled with so much love for me that now he reminds me of how great it is going to be.
He drew me a picture yesterday. Two hearts with smiley faces and the Texas flag.
“Momma. My heart is going to be happy there and your heart is going to be well. And we are going to have good hearts.”
“Oh I hope so sweet boy. I so hope so!”
Gah! Did I mention I’ve been crying a lot lately? Case in point!
And finally, Dave. I catch him looking at me lately. With this look in his eyes. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just love. Mixed with sadness. Or pity. It’s a look that makes me know this man is worried about me. And it makes me know he is just so in love with me. And I’ve kind of come to love it. He’s always looked at me this way. But I see it more now. At doctor’s appointments. Or at night when he hands me those little white pills. Or in the morning before he leaves for work. His eyes. They tell his soul. But I know his soul is just as hopeful for this new future as I am.
So in a nutshell. That’s how we are doing.
“And suddenly you just know…it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” -Meister Eckhart