I used to be so afraid of my kids growing up. Getting bigger. Losing this baby to a replacement “big kid” and one day a teenager then finally an adult.
It broke my heart to know that one day, Brooks won’t sneak out of his bed and crawl into mine. Just to sleep holding my hand. Well, at least without it being creepy.
That one day my house will not be covered in perfect rows of cars. And that without those cars, I won’t see Lucas in every space I walk in to. I’ll miss that for sure.
And Roman. I have a feeling that the teenage years with this little one are going to be exhausting. And when she has a boyfriend and sneaks out of the house to make out with him in the car. And the cops find her. And they call us in the middle of the night. And she slams the door in my face. While she screams,
“You guys are ruining my life!”
(oh wait, that was Dave and me in high school… But it’s coming. Karma’s a bitch like that.)
Dave and I will remember how she slept with her hand in his beard just to know he was there. And how she would grab my cheeks and pull my face to hers and say,
No doubt, we’ll miss that.
But lately, I have been excited for this future of mine. I love this new stage. This stage of “kid”. It’s great. And fun. And my dreams of future snowboarding adventures. Of Kindergarten. And camping. And friends. And sleepovers. And birthdays. And parties.
I was just thinking yesterday, how I missed little baby Brooks. How he would giggle. How he would play hide and seek by burying his head in a pillow. But now. But now he belly laughs. And hides so well during hide and seek that I have found myself peeking while I count to ten just because I don’t want to lose him. And I was thinking that I wouldn’t trade this almost five year old for one second of a cuddle with the swaddled baby version of him.
So what was I holding on to? What was I so afraid to lose?
I have started to LOVE that my kids are getting older. Each stage is better than the one before. And I LOVE that they all walk now. And run. And play. I love that they all talk, joke, and try new things.
I love their minds. The way they think. I love the way they grow. There is nothing in the past I would want back in trade for what I have now. The past is so incredible to look back on. But the future is so bright. And exciting.
So grow my littles. Just Grow. Grow tall. And strong. And brave. And UP. Yes, my loves, even grow up.