Oh where do I start with this little one? I honestly tear up just thinking of her existence on this planet. What she means to me. What she has taught me. She has a beautiful story already. Her purpose in my life and this family is so real and raw.
So let me introduce to you Miss Roman Mae Soderberg.
I didn’t want her. I will just put that out in the open. There I said it. I not only didn’t want her or plan on her, I thought about taking her little life into my own hands and ending it with a… you know, rhymes with shmuh-shmortion. Ugh! That thought alone- be it fleeting and something I would never have acted on or support- is humbling in itself. I prayed for a miscarriage. Her pregnancy broke down my inner most beings of who I was as a person. She made me question God, his role in our lives, and whether He was in control or not. I was lost. I was scared. I was surviving two kids. I was dealing with Lucas’ delay and hearing terms like “autism” thrown around more than once. (And NO, he is not autistic and his story is coming soon) I was resentful of what a life with three babies under three meant for me. I was breaking and those cracks were deep and painful.
Be it God, my husband, these other sweet babies, or a combination of them all, I somehow found myself on the other side. And slowly over nine months, I felt this life grow, I learned she was a little girl (that helped!), and I started to accept that she was coming. I slowly even started to look forward to meeting her. My fear faded little by little and I felt like I was in a stage of turning my butt to the wind and weathering the storm. (And we are talking pregnancy butt- serious shelter!)
And then I met her. And I watched her take her first breath. And I felt her heart steady against my chest moments after her birth.
And I melted. And I felt my walls collapse. My fears disappear.
The Lord. He teaches me in such black and white ways. Such moments of lost and found. It has always been my relationship with Him.
Roman is the light of our family. We are ALL obsessed with her. But for me, for me, she is my lesson that the Lord knows what is best. That I have no idea what is best for me. She is my lesson on the things I could and would miss out on if I weren’t in the Lord’s will.
Oh man, this girl, you guys, she is so amazing.
She is funny and kind. She stares at you in the eyes. She connects to your soul. She is ride or die. She is down for anything. She wants to be a part of the action. She wants to know you. She will smile at anyone.
And at night, she steals my soul. She sleeps in my arms. She has from the moment she was born. And I lay in bed with her little body on top of me and feel her breathe in and out. And I thank God for being patient with me and giving her to me even though I clearly didn’t deserve her. She is my everything. She is my heart.